Damn You, Fat Cyclist!

Just because Elden (the Fat Cyclist) Nelson can't think of anything to write on his blog, he decides to inflict another of these tag things on his fellow bloggers. Like we don't have anything better to do.

Well, uh, here I am responding so, uh, I guess maybe I don't have anything better to do.

Damn you anyway, Elden.

Here are the stupid answers to your stupid questions.

If you could have any one — and only one — bike in the world, what would it be?

I think my answer is sort of like Thoreau's when he was asked at dinner what dish he'd prefer. He said "the closest." Or as Stephen Stills put it "love the one you're with." No matter what bike I happen to be on, I pretty much always envision it like this:

(You can buy your very own copy of this print from the brilliant artist Philip Newsom here.)

Do you already have that coveted dream bike? If so, is it everything you hoped it would be? If not, are you working toward getting it? If you’re not working toward getting it, why not?

Yep, because for me my perfect bike has to be imperfect. It's got to have something I'm still meaning to tweak. It's got to have something about it that makes me work a little harder than I'd like.

If you had to choose one — and only one — bike route to do every day for the rest of your life, what would it be, and why?

I think this would be my Issaquah to Seattle commute, a bit over 18 miles each way. For one thing, this is the route I've chosen to ride about 5 days a week. It's got great mountain views, wildlife, home on one end and a great bakery and my bike shop on the other, lots of friends en-route, all the weather a guy could want, time to think and enough distance so I feel like I've earned second breakfast at the bakery.

What kind of sick person would force another person to ride one and only one bike ride to to do for the rest of her / his life?

I think Elden is only doing this to remind us that we are truly free. Or maybe he really is a sick SOB with a rich fantasy life. It's one of those two things. Or something else.

Do you ride both road and mountain bikes? If both, which do you prefer and why? If only one or the other, why are you so narrowminded?

Yeah and I sometimes ride mountain bikes on the road and road bikes on the trails. Names are a scam, man! When I was a kid we had bikes. We rode Stingrays in the woods and we liked it. Now you whippersnapper, get outa my yard!

Have you ever ridden a recumbent? If so, why? If not, describe the circumstances under which you would ride a recumbent.

I've ridden lots of recumbents. Heck I wrote for Recumbent Cyclist News for a couple of years. I had to stop riding them because they are such chick magnets that my wife wound up insisting that I go back to riding conventional bikes.

Have you ever raced a triathlon? If so, have you also ever tried strangling yourself with dental floss?

I did one years ago but it doesn't count because I was part of the three man relay team. I did the bike part, and my pals did the running and swimming part. I will run if I am chased, I will swim if I am thrown overboard. But if given a choice, I will bike.

Suppose you were forced to either give up ice cream or bicycles for the rest of your life. Which would you give up, and why?

Why do you want to limit the world, Elden? Do you want to see me suffer? This is hard because a Surly Crosscheck tastes terrible but New York Super Fudge Chunk doesn't corner worth a damn. I guess I'd give up ice cream but then I'd bike up Mount Rainier to find some snow to mix with Nutella. That'd show you, Fatty.

What is a question you think this questionnaire should have asked, but has not? Also, answer it.

“If 650B wheels are so much better for road bikes than 700c wheels and 29er wheels are so much better for mountain bikes than 26" wheels and porteur racks are so much better than rear rack and recumbents are so much better than regular bikes, why the heck do people keep buying all this other junk?”

Answer: Can I revise my just one bike answer? Because I totally want 29er/650b recumbent Moulton. Yeah, that'd be sweet!

You’re riding your bike in the wilderness (if you’re a roadie, you’re on a road, but otherwise the surroundings are quite wilderness-like) and you see a bear. The bear sees you. What do you do?

I gotta go with Jill on this one, this happens to me all the time. Surprisingly, I didn't see any bears on the GDR but I see 'em around here. Heck sometimes we see 'em in town. I tell 'em the same thing every time, "back away from the Nutella. Nothing to see here, move along. Get outa my yard you whippersnapper!"

Now, tag three biking bloggers. List them below.

Michael

Beth

Tarik

I hope they have more sense than I do and ignore this tagging nonsense.

Damn you, Fat Cyclist.